Assertiveness
When dealing with clients who have not followed your outlined
procedures, pushed your boundaries, or shortchanged you it is
important to be assertive.
What is Assertiveness?
What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?
Will clients think that I'm being pushy? These are common questions
and concerns. Here are some pointers to help clarify what assertiveness
is really all about.
Assertiveness is...
Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings,
and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means
that we have respect both for yourself and for others. We are
consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to problems.
A win-win solution means that we are trying to make sure that
both parties end up with their needs met to the degree possible.
An assertive person effectively influences, listens, and negotiates
so that others choose to cooperate willingly.
Assertiveness is not...
Assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness.
Aggressiveness involves expressing our thoughts, feelings, and
beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights
of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which,
it communicates an impression of disrespect. By being aggressive,
we put our wants, needs, and rights above those of others. We
attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where
assertiveness tried to find a win-win solution, aggressiveness
strives for a win-lose solution: I'll be the winner; you'll be
the loser.
Assertiveness is also different from non assertiveness.
Nonassertive behavior is passive and indirect. It permits others
to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own
needs. It communicates a message of inferiority. It creates a
lose-win situation because the nonassertive person has decided
that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.
USE "I" MESSAGES
An "I" message is a good way to let clients know what
you are thinking. It is made up of three parts.
Behavior -- what it is, exactly, that the other
person has done or is doing
Effect -- what is happening because of their
behavior
Feelings -- what effect does their behavior have
on your feelings?
By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete
information, leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.
An example: "When you come late to the meeting (behavior)
I feel angry (feelings) because we have to repeat
information the rest of us heard (effect)."
This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring
the problem or just expressing your anger or frustration.
CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY
Use factual descriptions instead of judgments
Compare the following:
"This donation is short." (Aggressive)
"There donation seems to be short $20." (Assertive)
Avoid exaggerations
Compare the following:
"You never are on time!" (Aggressive)
"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this
month." (Assertive)
Use "I" not "You"
Compare the following:
"You always interrupt my stories!" (Aggressive)
"I would like to tell my story without being interrupted."(Assertive)
Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership
Compare the following:
"He makes me angry." (Denies ownership of feelings)
"I get angry when he breaks his promises." (Assertive
and owns feelings)
CHECK-UP
The following questions will help you to assess your assertiveness;